Addictively Controlled

Updated: Feb 27, 2020

This blog has been one I have wanted to do for awhile. While there are many forms of addiction, many do not consider anorexia to fall into that category. Don't get me wrong, we all have a little bit of a food addiction in some regard. For me, I LOVE chips and salsa. I swear another chip just calls my name after I have had way too many. Eating disorders are not an addiction to food or lack there of; they are an addiction to control and a coping mechanism.

When I talk about my eating disorder, people hear that I didn't eat food. They are right; there was very little food during this time. But what they don't hear or see is the mental mind f*ck that goes on. They do not truly understand the way in which you become a totally different person. Depression and anxiety become the norm, no matter how good you are at putting on a happy face. You become an expert at pretending.

To VERY minimally put you through the regular thought of someone with anorexia, imagine the following scenarios:

  • Never being able to order what you truly want at restaurant. Ever!

  • Always say no to every single food offered to you unless it is a vegetable. Which who offers you raw vegetables? And those calories still count so make sure to eat less later.

  • Analyzing food sizes. Allow me to explain- For example, if you were eating grapes and you had one "large grape," the next one had to be very small. So you analyze the size of each and weigh if near a food scale.

  • Every. Single. Food. Is. Weighed! Period. Lettuce, raw veggies, EVERYTHING!

  • Eating a salad? You have to make sure there are the exact amount of lettuce leaves as the day before.

  • Oh, and don't think you get anything on that salad. Just lettuce.

  • No seasonings or salt are allowed. Only pepper and the occasional cinnamon.

  • All food needs to be chopped in VERY small bites. That makes it seem like you have more.

  • Any calories you do eat need to be burned off plus some. Heavy on the cardio and who cares if you are too tired and do not have energy.

  • At a social event with food or dinner with family? Good luck calming the heck down and you do not allow yourself food prepared by anyone else.

  • Might I add, there is no sleep during all of this due to messed up hormones.

  • What if you go out to dinner? Everywhere allows you to order just lettuce and either an egg or small bit of chicken. Remember, no dressing!

  • If you ate the restaurant chicken, take away food somewhere else in the day because you did not make it and do not know exact calories or sodium.

Now these are just very small glimpses of daily situations. This does not even begin to portray the self hate, dozens of body checks A DAY, skin pinching, depression and anxiety. How could I almost forget the severe OCD and perfectionism. It just goes to show that your rational mind and true self is no longer present. You are fully controlled by an inner demon that manipulates everything you truly want or ever were. You are convinced all these actions "make you happy." You tell yourself that the former (true) you was out of control and this makes you more discipline/a harder worker.

You will have people who desire to be "just like you". They want the work ethic, the dedication in the gym, the ability to say "no" to food. What they do not know is the exhaustion and ability to never say "yes"; to NEVER have your mind ever rested. They think there is balance, when the word balance is not even an option. You have NO options!

So why do I write this? Why do I take you into such dark envisioning? It is to show you that you DO have an option! As you go through the the daily rituals of feeling like you don't, you DO have the ability to make ONE. The ONE option you can make is to do the exact opposite of everything you are controlled by. Each day, do the opposite.

  • The one large grape needs to turn into not even looking when you grab. And grab as many as your heart desires.

  • When you go out to eat, have someone hold you accountable. Tell them what you TRULY want and don't let them have you turn back.

  • Getting a salad (because you can still eat healthy)? You order all the works. Dressing, cheese, bacon, chicken, avocado, whatever!

  • You tell yourself it is ok to take a break. To slow down and make memories versus being a slave to perfectionism.

  • Sleep in and skip the gym.

You will feel out of control. You will feel your heart racing each time in the beginning, as if something is physically wrong. Nothing is wrong; that is just anxiety being challenged. You will question every single move and want to just go to the gym to work off every calorie, but you sit your booty right down and fight!

This goes for anyone with any mental challenge, not just eating disorders. When you begin to fight and feel out of control, you are gaining back YOUR TRUE control. Make that inner demon someone you despise. Don't make excuses like, "it gives you will power" or "keeps you skinny" or "makes you a hard worker;" BULLSHIT (pardon my French)! The only good it has done is made you a damn good fighter and now, you are about to fight it like hell.

I am not legally allowed to give any medication advice, but I will say there is a time when those are needed and that is ok; don't feel as if you are weak. You are strong for admitting you need help. But the biggest thing you have to do every day, is CHOOSE the power of positive thought; it 100% is a real thing! KNOW that YOU control YOUR mind. You DO have the option to turn every single thought and demonizing action around. While something as simple as choosing a small grape may not seem big, it is just another action of giving in. Hell, go get some grape jelly and lather up a piece of toast if you really want to say "Eff you" and prove your control.

"The more scared we are, the more sure we can be that we have to do it."

-Steven Pressfield