In the Head of ED.

Words will never do justice.

Words will never be able to exemplify the pain...

The emptiness...

The guilt...

The imprisonment...

The numbing...

The confusion...

The anxiety and depression...

The desire to just disappear...

Words will never do justice. In the head of ED you are trapped. Breaking free seems impossible. I am here though to tell you it is not! But I am also here to give others that do not struggle, a slight and I mean VERY SLIGHT, glimpse of your head being controlled by ED.

Now who is ED?

ED stands for eating disorder. I have always looked at my eating disorder as a subject; a person if you will. In my road to recovery, I would consistently have dialogue with it. That is what allowed me to separate true self from my disorder. That is what I could tell, "No!" when it tried to hold me back. When you identify with a mental illness, you often times allow it to become your identity. I never wanted my eating disorder to be as such, but it quickly did and I had to find a way to get my old self back.

In recovery you may not be your "old self." You will have fought, learned, overcome and won. So don't search for your old self; search for your TRUE self.

So what goes on in the head of an ED?

Does it just occur around meal times?

Not taking into account the sleepless nights due to whacky hormones, the isolation from friends and family to avoid food, the OCD and constant fatigue (just to name a few), I want to take you through a day in the thoughts of life with ED.

  • Wake up (sleep normally 3-4 hours a night)

  • Laxatives kick in from the night before

  • Thoughts: "Can I drink more caffeine to go to the bathroom more?"

  • Gym (true self): "I am going to warm up with a mile walk."

  • On the treadmill: Crap! I ate last night. I cannot walk, I need to sprint.

  • One mile hits: I need to go another mile. And faster.

((Workouts for 2-3 hours))

  • Post gym: I am starving! Drink more water. Water fills you up.

  • I am still hungry. I will eat some carrots.

  • Counts out carrots. One big carrot, dig for a small carrot. That carrot is medium, I need a super small one. Digs for extra skinny carrot.

  • Time to get ready: Cries the whole time. These jeans fit yesterday. I have gained weight. If clothes fit, I am getting fatter. All clothes need to be too big.

  • Lunch: Making a salad (no dressing, just lettuce and chicken). Counts pieces of lettuce. That is one too many. Takes a piece of lettuce out. Adds it back in and will walk or do extra exercise later to make up for it.

  • Why are my legs touching? I cannot slouch. Sit straight up so you don't feel your stomach.

  • Park the farthest away. Burn more calories walking to the car. Leave your purse in the car so you have to walk back.

  • Hungry during the day? Too bad. You have chicken and more lettuce at home. Remember to take a piece of lettuce out from earlier.

  • Thoughts: "We have a wedding in 3 weeks. How can I get out of it? I will have to stay up later and be hungry longer."

  • Goes the bathroom and grabs stomach dozens of times day.

  • Eats dinner (chicken and lettuce, one less lettuce leaf from earlier). Cuts chicken in minuscule pieces to make it look like there is more.

  • Goes straight to do abs or run.

While these thoughts may seem slightly exhausting, this is the cliff note version. It never stops. Every hour, every minute and every second of your day is consumed by the Almighty ED. Every action is one that will make ED happy. Sacrifices are no longer hard; you are numb. You don't care about your own health. You don't believe freedom is possible. "This is who I am" becomes a lie ED tells and one accepts far too often.

Words will never do justice...

Words will never exemplify all that comes with ED.

But your words are powerful. Your words can be your fight. YOUR words, not ED's. Find those words. Find that power. ED is not you. ED is not your loved one.


Quickest way to recovery? When ED summons, you do the opposite!